Tuesday, September 15, 2009

day 15

Day 15
This post includes some very personal data.

Today I begin a serious look at my food addiction ( mainly for me it is fast food, and involves running from my life, feelings, things I don't think I have any control over.) This is a 20 year struggle. I have committed to myself to begin to look at this today.

It is two fold and involves two different "parts" of who I am.

Part 1:
I believe my food addiction is grounded in my "Little Amy"..ages 8-12.
I believe it is she who runs from the things she can't control. I was sexually abused and ritualistically sexually abused from the age of 2 up to a rape by my best friends dad when I was 8. I think I have finally figured out WHY I run...I run because I can..because it is all about control. I couldn't run as a small child, but I can sure get in that car and run from my life today.

I do not eat the food in the house as part of my addiction, I am always RUNNING away from the house and eating fast food. The running away is grounded in my young child, inner child, who couldn't run as a child, away from what was happening to me. I think this is key and for the first time, today, I'm seeing this clearly.

I'm still processing this addiction. And will continue to do so in the days to come I'm sure.

Part 2:
My adult self, when out and running errands and such, makes BAD FOOD CHOICES for herself due to low self-worth and self-esteem.
I learned a long time ago in a college communications class that someone can have HIGH self-confidence and LOW self-worth and self-esteem. This is me today. I am beginning a plan on how to raise my self-worth..and part of that involves making good healthy decisions when it comes to my food choices. :-)

10:00 Thyroid meds ( 90 mg. of an old formulation of armour). I am thinking I am on too much medication for my thyroid condition. I'll post the blood work results. But my TSH is .2 (reference range is .4-4.3)This means I am on the HIGH end of hypothyroid..I feel my best when the number is around 2.5. Thyroid tests are backwards...so a high TSN means low thyroid function and a low TSH means a high thyroid function. I called Dr. Wilbrands office to see if they can change my compounded prescrition because it comes in gelcaps and I can't split the dosages. I see a new ( first ever) Endocrinologist a week from Thursday. I think being on too much medication is making me tired/fatigued in the afternoons.

Protein shake with hemp milk. fresh strawberries, minerals, sun is shining, ground flax seed and walnuts

ambertose, iron, 2 mag. lac. LAY wafer, zymez wafer, zinc liver chelate, 2 CHEWS ( Chews 4 Health for the sea veggies) ( I can't seem to eat those sea veggies so the next best thing is to get them in a supplement that you CHEW, like food), megazyme, Trophons, b-12

1:30
1/4 green pepper, broccoli, 3 leaves romaine lettuce, 2 hard boiled eggs w/sea salt, w/ 1 tbls of ranch dressing.

1 megazyme, 2 wafers, 2 mag., 2 ioderal, 1 superpill, ambertose

5:30 hand ful of mixed nuts

6:30 baked "white" potato with 2 tbls. of butter, sea salt and pepper, 2 bites of mac. and cheese ;-( 2-zinc, 2-ioderal, 1 super pill

At bed time
trophons, pro-biotic, 2 melatonin

This was my first day, in a long time, with no fast food and no soda. YEAH for me. I stayed HOME the whole day. It was not easy...a lot of crying and journaling. Realizing how much of my life has been wasted in DRIVING AWAY from my family and home. I talked briefly to my three kids that were home last night, Caleb 17, Caterina 19, and Tristan 12 and explained to them that I am going to take this thing one day at a time and I needed their help in making sure we eat at the house at night. For example, don't ask me to run by Taco Bell lol. They all agreed and thought it was nice to actually have dinner at home with each other. :-) Things will change one day at a time.

My mother quit drinking in 1976...and was sober until the day she died ( just a few short years ago). I remember her going to AA meetings and working the 12 steps. The first is to admit that you are powerless..that is a HUGE first step for me, because in admitting I am powerless can trigger my abuse as a child. But today i think I turned a corner on my addiction.

KISS- Keep it simple stupid...I like Keep It Simple Sweetie ( better) lol another AA thing.

One day down.

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